Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Today's edition of The Brain Rot is brought to you by Arrow Shirts. Keep your friends close, and your arrows closer.
Without further ado, we bring you: the Deaths of Early English Kings.

Edmund I was murdered when he tried to single-handedly catch a thief. He forgot that, while it may be a crime to carry a knife and stab the king with it, most criminals are not too worried about committing crimes.

Harold II Godwinson was shot through the eye with an arrow. Stupid Normans.

William II Rufus was shot in the chest by an arrow. People accused his hunting companion Walter Tyrrel of having killed him on behalf of his brother, Henry I. Tyrrel, a great PR man, responded by fleeing the scene and having his friends claim he was not in the forest that day at all, and never saw the king.

Richard I Lionheart was a connoisseur of of archery to a fault. He was besieging a rebellious castle and walked around outside without armor on. A young man on the castle wall shot at him, and Richard stood there applauding the shot as it plunged into his neck. He got gangrene and died, although not before pardoning the shooter for being an excellent shot. On a side note, his brain, heart, and body are buried in three different places in his French domains.

Edward II is generally rumoured to have been gay; even Christopher Marlowe thought so. So of course his murderers decided to stick a copper tube up his bum, followed by a red-hot poker. Seriously. At least they may have suffocated him to death first.

So what have we learned? If you're an English king, arrows are hazardous for your health. As is being king. See you all in the next edition of The Brain Rot.

No comments:

Post a Comment